Why Hiring Is Like A (Bad) Marriage

An ancient Greek myth states that eons ago, man and woman were one creature. This creature was magnificent and brought together an ecstatic confluence of two brilliant species. Naturally, this ignited envy amongst the other species, who ended up looking subservient to the majesty of this creature. In retaliation they plotted. They went to the God of Thunder and asked for this creature to be split into two, their request was obliged, and thus man and woman were created.

Hence came to light the concept of ‘the better half’ , popularized by pop culture, bad Bollywood movies, matrimonial ads and every romantic comedy in the 21st century. The ultimate tale of finding ‘someone that completes you’ began and the sojourn continues.

I was on this sad sojourn too, and no, I was not looking for the perfect ‘man’ (I am not delusional, such a thing does not exist), I was looking for the perfect ‘employee’. Think about it, you do spend more of your day with your co-workers than your spouse, so why shouldn’t you look for the perfect ‘match’?

Thus began my tryst with fate as I embarked upon a journey to find ‘The Perfect One’, and the more time I spent doing it, the more I realized how hiring is most definitely like marriage!

Stage 1- ‘Love at First Swipe’

In the age of Tinder and Truly Madly, love at first sight has been swapped with ‘love at first swipe’. Similarly, the first step of finding ‘The Perfect one ’ (TPO) is that swipe, that first look on Linkedin, the cautious flirting on Naukri.com. That one glance at the resume makes you feel like ‘Yes! This is who I was looking for my whole life!’

Stage 2- The Chase

Playing hard to get has been a national pastime for Indian women since the era of Cavemen. Picture this Caveman sees Cavebabe at the Caveparty, eyes meet, introductions happen , he woos her with hunting , she keeps the chase up.  Caveman is in ‘hubba hubba’ mode, Cavebabe is coy. Romance is in the air. Not much has changed.  Similarly TPO knows you liked what you saw; the first phone call always ends with a coy shy ‘I am very happy here, haven’t thought about the change’. AKA ‘Bitch you better woo me’.

Stage 3- Meeting the Parents

So your wooing has worked, TPO has caught the bait. You are excited, your friends/co-workers see you gushing all day , you have already had imaginary babies/happy clients together. It’s show time.  So imagine, the guy you are to marry walks into your home to ask your hand and does  not know what you do for a living or what your parent’s names are. Would you marry him?  Now imagine your TPO walks in, does not really know what your company does and does not know the names of your CEO/founder. Would you hire him?

Stage 4- Giving in

Yes this is the moment of truth, it’s been years/months and you know you have to do this, this was the 10th’s try, and patience is running low, 9 other buffoons before that were no better. You finally decided to let go of the concept of ever finding your prince in shining armour, instead you are happy that the dude can fit into pants. Thus begins the descent into darkness propelled by a heavy dose of aunty’s/colleagues saying “ There is no such thing as the perfect one, every  equation has compromise beta, besides he as a phoren MBA, #Aurkyachahiye”

Stage 5- It’s official

After denial comes optimism. You pat yourself and say Hey! this could actually work. It did for your Chachi’s neighbor’s vet’s second husband’s 3rd daughter /your ex-boss’s current managers’ 3rd associate. Darling, here is what you should know now, it’s an urban legend, this mythical perfect marriage/employee does NOT exist. You are always the RULE not the exception. (Yes that’s from ‘He’s just not that into you’ #sowhat!)

Stage 6- The honeymoon

That short lived blissful period where you actually think, Hey not bad! There’s still some wooing and flirting and you are just glad you are not alone anymore at the Sunday brunch place. Then you come back to reality , stop having vodkas for breakfast and go into #shitjustgotreal mode.

Stage 7- Samjhauta

It’s done . Reality hit and it ain’t pretty. You don’t see eye to eye, the novelty has worn off, you much rather prefer being alone than suffering shoddy company/work. So what do you do next to tackle the problem? Get a divorce? Fire him/her? NO, you do what all good bacchas and bacchis do to make their marriage work, you compromise.

Stage 8- Happily Ever After

3 falser words have never been spoken, well after horn OK please, cause come on who does that? You have finally let go and decide that this is your fate. You make do with what comes your way and find cute habits to overlap.  Oh!  get prepared for the ‘babies /next hire kab hoga’ phase.

Ok as dire and pessimistic as this may sound. I still have hope.  We are a country’s smart, talented,  awesomesauce people doing superlative things around the world. So, can we please stop playing peek a boo and meet?

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