How to Be Big Time Silicon Valley Tech Guy

So you want to be big time Silicon Valley Tech Guy? Sure, we all do. Well, turns out it’s not that hard. People might say you need money, some knowledge of the tech industry, investments, and a home in San Francisco, but I say all you need is this article. Here are ten quick and easy ways to be big time Silicon Valley Tech Guy.

Never say you need to “make” a call, always say you need to “take” a call

Small players make calls, and attend meetings. Big players take calls andtakemeetings. And take names.

Preface any discussion about a tech company with the fact that you own stock in that company — a lot of it

This makes you look like a good guy because you’re being fully transparent about your possible biases, but more than that it lets people know you’re rich, and smart.

Post a picture of a Tesla and tag it #nobrainer

Posting a picture of a Tesla says you know about the future of cars. Tagging it #nobrainer says you don’t even have to consider whether or not it would be a good purchase, and anyone who does have to consider it is an idiot. This pic says you’re in the in crowd and makes people think you’ll be driving a Tesla really soon, if you’re not already.

Write a blog post about why you left or joined a company

It’s important to view your life decisions as much more important than anyone else’s — treat them with the seriousness of triple bypass surgery or the gravity of a black hole. Make sure to share some “lessons learned” to show how much you want to help everyone else on their own path, even though most people will find it hard (or impossible) to relate.

Complain about the gentrification in your neighborhood, then laugh about how you helped cause it

Complain about the new Starbucks in your neighborhood, and how your neighborhood was so cool when you moved in a few months ago. Then laugh about the fact that you’re probably the one to blame. LOL

Pre-emptively turn down a request to be Donald Trump’s running mate

No, Donald Trump hasn’t asked you to be his running mate in the 2016 election, but that doesn’t mean you can’t laugh about the fact that if he *did* ask you’d likely decline. Who knows, he might see your tweet and ask you! At which point you’d say yes.

When you recommend a book, lament the fact that you didn’t get to talk more with the author when you met him in the Hamptons last summer

On its own, recommending a book about leadership or entrepreneurship (something truly “groundbreaking” that really “challenged your perspective”) makes people see what a big time tech guy you are, but you should take it a step further and mention that you met the author. Share a story about it. This will add an air of importance and authenticity to your recommendation.

Turn a tweet storm into a blog post into a book

Tweet storms are a mainstay of big time tech guy Twitter life, but take it a step further and turn that tweet storm into a blog post. Then go even further and turn that blog post into a self-published book that’s really thin on content but has a decent cover.

Go to Burning Man

You absolutely cannot be big time tech guy without attending Burning Man. If you can’t attend, at least tweet about how you’re sorry to miss it this year.

Post a picture of champagne and tag it #startuplife

Let the world know how glamorous building tech companies really is.

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