17 Absurd (Tech-ish) Predictions For 2017

So, I’ll admit, most of my 17 absurd predictions for 2016 didn’t come true … well, actually none of them came true. BUT … I’m still holding out hope that Internet Explorer will wave their white flag before the year is out, so we’ll see.

Worry not though my friends, my ego is still intact.

In spite of my accuracy (or lack thereof) my confidence is at an all-time high for 2017. In fact, I think I may just be spot on this time around.

As you’ve come to expect, these aren’t safe, low-risk predictions. No, they are just as preposterous as they are bold.

Here Are My Top 17 Tech-ish Theories For 2017

1. Samsung Galaxy becomes the first device to offer a lighter as a feature.
2. Stephen Hawking changes his prediction that the earth has only a 1,000 years remaining when he discovers that we, in fact, live within a virtual reality.
3. A headphone jack mysteriously appears on Steve Jobs’ gravestone. Tim Cook resigns shortly after and becomes a roadie for U2 (ironically spotted wearing corded headphones during sound check).
4. The last remaining Pokemon Go player uninstalls app after lifting up his head and discovering he couldn’t remember anything about the past six months of his life!
5. Twitter hires an editor whose only job is to spell check tweets from the President. She subsequently resigns after only one week due to high stress. President calls her a “looser”.
6. A Harvard study concludes that The Onion shared less Fake News than Facebook in 2016.
7. Tesla enters NASCAR with the first driverless race car. Racers complain that new non-driver drives like an asshole.
8. Investors begin to sour on Uber after a common man asks why an app that loses $2.4 Bn per year, and has zero dollars in assets is worth $60 Bn. Silicon Valley responds by saying, “that’s a great question”.
9. Yahoo.com finally gives up and redirects to Google.
10. BleachBit files for Chapter 11 claiming to have fallen on hard times with the Clintons out of office.
11. A woman stumbles across a binder full of the 30,000 deleted Hillary emails in Central Park. World discovers Hillary had a lot of questions about Yoga.
12. The world is introduced to the first teen whose native language is Emoji.
13. Facebook reveals plans to start a second Facebook inside of virtual reality, effectively twice removing humans from the real world.
14. President Trump brings tech leaders from across the country into Washington to help him activate his new iPhone 7 Plus. The New York Times reports that his tiny hands weren’t able to reach the home button and attempt to disqualify him as POTUS.
15. A video surfaces of a millennial in outrage when he learns that he can’t binge watch on live TV.
16. Joe Biden holds onto password for @vp Twitter account and trolls Mike Pence throughout the year.
17. The voice of “You’ve Got Mail” and the voice of “Siri” swipe right on each other on Tinder giving hope for the future voice of artificial intelligence.

There you have it, another year of predictions in the books. What are your bold predictions for 2017?

[This post by Dana Severson first appeared on LinkedIn and has been reproduced with permission.]