17 Absurd But Hopeful Predictions For Tech Startup Ecosystem For 2016

I’m a sucker for annual predictions. It’s an opportunity to suggest preposterous theories grounded in absolutely zero fact or logic. It’s a time to look ahead with unquestionable positivity and make some bold bets on what the future has in store.

If nothing comes true…no harm done.

But, if you just so happen to be right, well … let’s just say that you have a bit of bragging rights for the year ahead.

I’ve been known to be a bit of a gambler at times, so of course I’m not one to lob softball predictions for the easy win. I don’t play to not lose, I play to win.

So, without further ado, here are my top 17 tech-ish theories for 2016:

1. A startup with ‘Uber’ blood officially kills off cable as we know it, taking Direct TV and Comcast with it.
2. Drones finally get called what they actually are — remote controlled helicopters.
3. Elon Musk invents a teleportation device that’s powered by positive thoughts.
4. Martin Shkreli invests in a startup that has developed a way to “turn off the internet” at a valuation inflated by 4000%. Trump ultimately loses the election, internet stays “on” and the startup fails.
5. Google’s self driving cars develop artificial road rage against Telsa vehicles.
6. ISIS falls victim to a Tai “Here in My Garage” Lopez video on YouTube and loses interest in Islamic Extremism.
7. Internet Explorer finally concedes and removes question asking it to be your default browser.
8. The evolutionary chart gets updated to account for text neck.
9. Siri becomes sick of stupid questions and starts to become condescending.
10. One man accomplishes the impossible and reaches the end of the internet. Starts over from the beginning again.
11. A brave teenager attempts to communicate face-to-face with another human. Video goes viral and starts a movement.
12. Google figures out how to show you search results without searching.
13. Apple Watch is deemed useless worldwide, but launches Apple Watch 2 and sells 50 million units.
14. Blackberry refuses to let go of its QWERTY keyboard, pins all of their hope on their last remaining customer.
15. Redbox starts offering VHS rentals at Walmart locations.
16. We find out that Facebook knows more about ourselves then we do. Nobody is surprised.
17. Mark Zuckerberg actually does give up 4.5 million of his shares to someone who reposted a chain message. Nothing else in the world makes sense after that.

Bonus non-tech prediction: Minnesota Vikings win the Superbowl. Skol Vikes.

There you have it. What are your bold predictions for 2016? Leave them in the comments below or tweet them to me and I’ll share.